Like all losses, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage causes people to go through various stages of grief. It does not give you or your ex time to grieve the loss of the relationship or marriage.Most of the time, a post-breakup friendship is a setup for further heartbreak, especially for the person who was left and probably feels rejected.Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, “Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact.”Ĭonner, 48, reflects, “I did all I could to keep in touch with Karen with the hope that we could fix things and one day get back together – even though I knew she was in love with someone else.” 7 Reasons Being Friends with Your Ex Doesn’t Work: In this case, counseling with a qualified therapist is a more effective way to deal with these leftover emotions.įurther, some individuals keep their relationship alive because they hope for reconciliation but they don’t necessarily acknowledge it. Sometimes the person who is the dumper feels guilty about leaving the relationship, especially if they were unfaithful, and they want to remain friendly with the dumpee to help to ease their guilt. Guilt Can Drive You Towards Being Friends with Your ExĪnother reason why people want to stay in close contact with a former partner after a breakup is guilt. It can add salt to an open wound that has not had sufficient time to heal. But Jason told me it hurt him too badly because I broke it off and he was reminded of his pain every time we got together.” This experience is a common one for the dumpee who might feel especially hurt if their ex has a new partner and they don’t. Our they may want to keep the non-intimate part of the relationship going because they have caring feelings toward their former spouse.Įrin, a 40-something teacher confides, “I couldn’t understand why two civilized adults couldn’t visit with our kids and hang out like friends. Certainly one of the main reasons is that they have unfinished business that they hope to resolve. There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. I also came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to have all of the answers to why my marriage failed in order to move on. In my case, I was looking for closure – but soon realized that letting go of the reasons why our marriage dissolved was a healthier decision. When my marriage ended, I had the misconception that two good people (myself and my ex) should be able to stay friends after our divorce. On the other hand, the dumper would probably admit to feeling guilty upon seeing their ex regularly or worry that they are sending the wrong message. It’s especially problematic for the person who was left – or the dumpee – because having regular contact with the person who rejected them can make a person feel confused or give them a sense of false hope. It’s a noble endeavor to want to be a friend to a former spouse but it can fuel your child’s reconciliation fantasies and prevent both adults from healing and moving on with their lives. While it’s normal to want to undo the past, being friends with your ex usually doesn’t work out.
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